And then there were...

…two.  Still just two.

Two happy, healthy little princesses.   The most beautiful girls in the world if I do say so myself!  I love them so much. 

I have so many words, so many thoughts swirling through my mind – so many feelings, floating and landing, occasionally coming to the surface, overwhelming me with emotion.  I seem to spend just as much time fighting the tears as I do spilling them.  And then I laugh at myself.  Then I cry.  And then I laugh at myself for laughing.  Then I cry again.

It’s a strange thing going through a miscarriage.  I wish I could say this was my first.  But it’s not.  It’s my second.  And it’s hard.  SO hard. 

After months of hoping, we finally found out we were pregnant in April!  I was so excited!  The funny part was that we were already scheduled to see the fertility doctor again, but instead we found out we were pregnant!!!  I almost called the doctor’s office to have them help me announce to Nate that I was pregnant – but decided against it.  LOL.  But wouldn’t that have been funny?  Instead I planned a cute little sign, something about upgrading the car because we weren’t going to fit anymore!  LOL.  It was cute.  He loved it.  We were beaming. 

Each day I felt excited – excited for the future.  For the potential Christmas baby.  For all the things to come!!!  And I started planning our new life.  Our family of five life.  Our “we need a van” life.

I shamelessly strolled the Buy Buy Baby aisles mentally picking out items I wanted to get for our new baby.  I looked at strollers and car seats and pacifiers.  I started to mentally remodel our playroom into the baby room.   I played around with the Chinese Gender Predictor Chart – it was a boy.  Ha!  (Who knows how accurate – but who cares!  It’s fun!)  I started thinking of names.  I bought a baby growth app for my iphone.  I thought about maternity clothes.  I bought Sophie a big sister shirt.

Everything just felt right – and I was so thrilled.  So so thrilled.

And then … I can’t even begin to explain the despair at finding out that you are about to miscarry.   I felt my heart leap from my chest and burst into a million little pieces.  I’ve been through this before.  Not again.  Not, again – I kept telling myself.

I lay in bed that night praying.  Praying that everything was going to be fine – that it was a false alarm…I prayed all night.

In the morning we went to the doctor and surrounded by all beautiful pregnant mothers in the waiting room – I cried.  Happy for them, but so sad for me.

It's been a strange few weeks and I apologize if I've been a little lack luster.  My emotions and body seem to be going through a strange transition; acne (Yes, acne!  It's so awful!), bloating, mood swings and weight gain - is this normal?!!  It's one thing to lose a pregnancy but another ball game entirely when you add in the latter!  Dear body, please stop!  Love me.  LOL.

As for now – I hold onto hope.  Hope for the future.  Hope for another chance.  Hope for another baby.

I am so extremely grateful for the opportunity I have to be a mother to my precious girls.  Some people never have the opportunity – and for mine I am extremely grateful.  I love them so much.   I know that Heavenly Father is watching out for me - even when I feel so alone in my struggles - He is there.  He knows our pains and heartaches - and eventually I'm sure this will all make sense.  He has a plan for me.  I find peace in that.  I hope that others who have gone through the same thing can take comfort in this knowledge too.  Maybe we can all band together?!  

I am looking forward to a new new future.  Sunny, happy days will come again.  And maybe someday – we really will need that van. 

(May 2012 iPhone pictures)